LOS ANGELES, July 28, 2011–In a definitive study following ten thousand boys it was formally proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that masturbation causes brain injury just like grandpa said. UCLA Medical Center, in conjunction with Cedars-Sinai Hospital, conducted a prospective study of thousands of boys from early puberty on and found that in those wanking the most brain tissue was actually lost as seen on MRI scans. There did not seem to be any difference whether the boys used protection or not. In an incidental finding the boys who masturbated the most also spent upwards of ten hours a day on their iPods, on Facebook and playing video games. “We don’t think there is a relation,” said the head researcher.
Houston, TX, July 25, 2011–It’s finally official, Continental Airlines served the last free meal on its flights yesterday. All day today people, caught unawares, have been starving on Continental flights. “I was so hungry I ate my pillow,” complained one woman. “They didn’t even have a bag of peanuts,” said a man. Food was available of course–but at a price no one could afford. One couple complained, “The food cost more than the limit on all our credit cards combined.” People’s stomachs started rumbled so loudly that one plane made an emergency landing in case it was engine noise. Some people opined that the food was so bad anyway that there was really no loss. Some munched on bedbugs they found in the seats. One innovative pilot however solved the problem and kept passengers calm. “I let them smoke,” he said.
Mobile, Alabama, July 24, 2011—Long the obesity capital of the world Alabama has achieved a 99% obesity rate according to the Centers for Disease Control. The average Alabaman is now pushing 300 pounds. Alabama has also set the record for the least amount of exercise per citizen, the most number of TVs per room (which appears to be related to the exercise) and most mayonnaise bodies. In addition the Yellowhammer State now ranks ninth in smoking accounting for the 1% of citizens not obese who have lung cancer. Alabama’s next goal is to overtake Mississippi’s record low literacy rate.
Washington, D.C., July 22, 2011–New statistics just out reveal that 14.5% of Americans are living at or near the poverty line defined by an income of $22,500 for a family of four. This statistic has not changed since President Lyndon Johnson’s famous War on Poverty. However The Washington Roast analysts have found that these statistics are not valid. These “poor” families receive billions of dollars in welfare, food stamps and Medicaid funds and pay very little in taxes. In fact Medicaid provides “Cadillac” care with no deductible, no co-pay and no upper limit cap. This allows the average poor family to live better than a rich family. Moreover the typical “poor” family has an average of two color TVs, two cars (not counting the ones on bricks in the yard), a computer, two DVD or VCR players and several I Phones and I Pods. “I can’t live that good,” exclaimed a Westchester, New York, businessman who only makes $90,000 per year.
WASHINGTON, D.C., July 21, 2011–An exhaustive 20 year study conducted by Washington Roast Investigators and the American Scientific Society has conclusively concluded that smoking cigarettes prevents the devastating advance of Alzheimer’s dementia (AD). In fact the study shows that the more you smoke the less likely you are to develop the brain clogging tangles and plaques of AD. The study, financed by Phillip Morris, followed thousands of smokers over a 20 year period and found that few if any developed the disease. Theories range anywhere from an change in the blood supply to brain neurons to a chemical in tobacco that blocks plaque development. Critics on the other say contend that chain smokers die before they get Alzheimer’s.
WASHINGTON, D.C, July 20, 2011–Mark J. Sullivan, head of the secret service, found President Obama hiding in a stall in a bathroom at the White House sneaking a cigarette. “We told him it was a non-smoking area,” said the director. Obama has been a pain in the arse to the agency as he sneaks off like a sixth-grader to indulge in his habit. “I think he is acting out,” said another member of the service, “trying to be cool.” The question is how do you punish the President of the United States? “We could give him a time out,” suggested Sullivan, “or we could have Michelle spank him.”
WASHINGTON, D.C., July 18, 2011–Congress has decided that hybrid cars are way too quiet thereby posing a danger to joggers, kids, and the hearing impaired. Both Houses of Congress passed bills to mandate that hybrid car companies, including Toyota, Honda and Chevy, create a mechanism in their cars that makes loud farting noises. Creating a stinky smell to go with it will be an option that motorists can buy.
June 23, 2011–The Washington Roast brings to you its special report on The Real Wives of Afghanistan. This report, years in the making, brings you the romantic and exotic lifestyles of the wives of Afghanistan. Here are some highlights: Namir, 35 years-old and a mother of three says, “My husband is very attentive to me. He bought me a new camel and he beats me regularly. See the bruises?” Another wife, 44 year-old Muna tells us, “Well, since the life expectancy in Afghanistan is 45, I expect to be dead in one year. See, I look like I’m 75!” The captivating and alluring stories continue. Uzuri, who is 15 years-old was raped by four brothers who were her neighbors. “It gets more exciting,” she pants, “In order to save my honor my brothers beat me up and my father set me on fire!” She proudly shows her scarred face and what is left of her hands. Several women talk about the pride they have of wearing burqas. “I have terrible allergies,” says one, “during allergy season I cough and wheeze and get terrible sinus infections.” Another adds to the excitement, “When I got pneumonia I almost died because my dear [...]
May 14, 2011–This is our continuing serial of the great new book, The Profiteer, written by the funny and talented Jason Coe. This is Chapter 7 of our serial. For the full text see The Profiteer above. In this chapter the Profiteer discusses Guns. _____________________________________________________________ Chapter VII–On Guns Then the ghost of Charlton Heston said, speak to us of guns, and after feeling for his Colt Automatic he answered: Though you are clothed, you are naked without your guns. At times you are actually naked while playing with your guns. They are your steady penis when the flesh has withered, the spirit has left you. Keep them in your commode, aside your Valium and Viagra. And though you may shoot blanks of the flesh, keep your gun well loaded. You have guns so that you need not communicate about your anger. And you shall not talk about your guns. Rather, you shall talk with your guns and by them will others hear you. Even so flippantly as to take aim at your hunting buddies. I have heard you say cautiously that diplomats should precede guns in all affairs. But I say to you verily, guns are diplomats; American-fucking-style. In your [...]
MEXICO CITY, May 13, 1846—General Santa Ana confidently claims that, “We will beat those gringos and take over the entire United States.” Washington Roast archives at the time revealed that Santa Ana was confident that he would conquer all of California including Oregon, Washington and even states east of the Mississippi. The Washington Roast editor at the time agreed, “We expect Mexico to control the entire West after this war.” 1846 The United States formally declared war on Mexico after several days of fighting. 1938 Louis Armstrong and his orchestra recorded the New Orleans’s jazz classic, When the Saints Go Marching In, on Decca Records. 1940 Winston Churchill gave his first speech as prime minister: “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat.” 1973 Tennis male chauvinist Bobby Riggs defeated Margaret Smith Court, 6-2, 6-1 in front of a world-wide television audience. He would lose to Billie Jean King later that year. 1981 Pope John Paul II was shot and wounded by Mehmet Ali Agca as he drove through a crowd in St. Peter’s Square, Rome. Read more: This Day in History: May 13 — Infoplease.com http://www.infoplease.com/dayinhistory/May-13#ixzz1MC3qJCd9