GREECE Nov 5, 2011–The Greeks, probably the most spoiled nationality on Earth, continued into their second week of riots in protest of austerity measures recommended by the European Union and the International Monetary Fund. If Greece doesn’t install significant monetary changes–consisting of government layoffs, cutting of services and raising of taxes–there is a distinct chance that the country will default on its loans threatening the health of the E.U. and even that of the United States. But as always the Greeks, the biggest whiners in the world, won’t even put up with a tiny bit of discomfort much less the necessary cost measures. The Greeks, 50% of whom smoke and won’t cut back no matter how many die, got used to the go-go 1990s and 2000s and don’t want to give up anything. It seems they would rather see the country collapse. Do you think I am being too hard on Greece? Well I can be. I’m Greek and I know.
TRENTON, September 29, 2011–Article II, Section 1 of the United States Constitution says, “No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty-five years, and been fourteen years a resident within the United States…and who shall not weigh more than 450 pounds.” It is the opinion of the legal team at the Washington Roast that Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, the latest Republican hope, is constitutionally ineligible to run for president. There is also another constitutional issue: Christie was also an extremely fat baby so part of this body was born in the U.S., part in Canada and part in Cuba. Does being 1/3 a natural citizen count? These are some of the weighty issues that Republicans will have to contend with as they court the governor.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, August 4, 2011–Worse than the swine flu which never really materialized is the attack of the European PIIGS (Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece and Spain) who in a crazed rage ate part of the New York Stock Exchange. Stocks dropped over 500 points as the Euro crises swept from Greece into Italy shocking E.U. markets and causing world tremors. One stock broker said, “It started with this distance oinking that grew louder and louder and sudden the Dow Jones began to plummet. Economists are predicting that that the world economy will continue to suck well into next year. Since the party in power during a recession always looses then get ready for President Bachmann.
LOS ANGELES, July 28, 2011–In a definitive study following ten thousand boys it was formally proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that masturbation causes brain injury just like grandpa said. UCLA Medical Center, in conjunction with Cedars-Sinai Hospital, conducted a prospective study of thousands of boys from early puberty on and found that in those wanking the most brain tissue was actually lost as seen on MRI scans. There did not seem to be any difference whether the boys used protection or not. In an incidental finding the boys who masturbated the most also spent upwards of ten hours a day on their iPods, on Facebook and playing video games. “We don’t think there is a relation,” said the head researcher.
Washington, D.C., July 27, 2011–International rankings of students in math showed that the United States did not rank in the top 100 countries but came 125th right after Nepal. In literacy U.S. students in high school did not rank at all. However the U.S. ranked first in the following categories: most rap lyrics memorized, most hugging, most bits per second in texting, highest levels achieved in World of Warcraft, most friends on Facebook, most likely to watch Glee, most likely to gain weight from junk food and most shortcuts invented like OMG, etc.